Before I Said I Do: I Had to Abandon My Misguided Thinking

Before I Said I Do is a new bi-weekly column dedicated to sharing stories and advice from women on how they prepared for married life. Meet our first featured wife and mother: Trenae V. Nuri.

Sometimes the surprises in life, are what can bring out the best or the worst in people. When Trenae V. Nuri and her then boyfriend Aashir confirmed she was expecting, she wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. After he emotionally replied, “This is the most beautiful thing,” it was at that moment, she knew he was The One.

Trenae and Aashir were married on June, 22, 2013 in an intimate ceremony filled with love,  family, and close friends. Handling religious differences and outside opinions, hasn’t always made their journey easy, but the strong bond they share trumps all. Now a wife and mother of two, check out how the family-focused 26-year-old began her journey into married life, and the lessons she’s picked up along the way.

Briefly describe yourself:
I’m an independent digital journalist from Philadelphia, a wife and mother of two children. I enjoy researching, cooking, completing DIY projects and throwing theme parties.

When did you get married?  What was your big day like?
Aashir and I tied the knot during the summer solstice on June 22, 2013. We shared the intimate ceremony with 75 of our close friends and family.Aashir and I wanted to feel royal, so we opted out of the so-called traditional tux and white gown. He wore an ivory sherwani suit laced with jewels, and I wore a red lehenga saree draped in shiny beads. My father walked me down the aisle, gave me away and officiated the ceremony. My six-year-old sister was the flower girl. And our then 15-month-old son was the ring bearer.

What are some things you did to prepare for marriage? How was it helpful?
During the time Aashir and I began dating, I was involved with a program in my church that focused on preparing young ladies to be wives and spiritually strong women. And as I was working on my emotional and spiritual stability, I really had to abandon my young and misguided “miss independent, single lady” mentality and discover more about the woman I was becoming. I used to pray hard that I would find a tall, dark, church going, Christian brotha. This was my ideal husband. We would have a huge family and live happily ever after. Equally as important, I wanted to be a mother,so I really had to do a reality check of my lifestyle. Thankfully, during this time of personal transformation, my teacher had us read “Your Knight in Shining Armor” by P.B. Wilson. After reading that book, I realized that my ideal husband may not be what I wanted, but who I needed.

What books would you recommend for a bride-to-be?
The Bible
The Quran
“Your Knight in Shining Armor” by P.B. Wilson

What was one of the biggest challenges when transitioning into married life? Did you receive any helpful advice?
One of the biggest challenges for me transitioning into married life was thinking about what others thought of me and my family. We had our first child together before marriage, and the reaction I got from some people was not positive. My grandma Gladys told me, “Trenae, you’re not the first, and you won’t be the last.” Those people didn’t see or even know how tight Aashir and I were. From the conversations we had and goals we set, he had my back and I had his. Honestly, it took me some time to get over what other people perceived of me as and just live life. If you and your husband are best friends, love each other and have a peaceful home, who cares what outside people think. If you can wait to have children after the wedding do so and enjoy your time together before the little ones come.
Aashir grew up in the Nation of Islam, a completely different view of thinking than how I was raised. But because we worked so well together on numerous projects professionally and then started to be friends, our transition into dating, parenthood and marriage was seamless. We started off as partners, and a partner was what I needed.

What advice, tips, or suggestions would you give to brides-to-be or women seeking to be married one day?
To my friends waiting to be married: Trust men, support men and work on yourself. Stop watching those reality shows and spend that time building a business for your family, serving in your community or learning a new hobby. These activities will strengthen you mentally, emotionally and spiritually so you’ll be ready for this marriage journey.

To my married friends: Remember that your marriage isn’t all about you or even your husband. It’s for God, the Creator. Your union is to show His love for us. Your marriage is for your children, your extended family and your larger community.

Interested in being featured for this column? Email: [email protected]