Relationship Expert and Magnetic Matchmaker, Spicy Mari of The Spicy Life, shares all of her cuffing season tips. From gift-giving to bringing your partner home for the holidays, to simply re-igniting your relationship with yourself – ‘Tis the season for growth, discovery, and love!
Cuffing season is upon us and let’s face it: when the temperature drops, humans (specifically single ones) long for connection. Hence the phrase “cuffing season” was born. According to Merriam-Webster, cuffing season usually begins in early October and lasts until just after Valentines Day, and is defined as “a period of time where single people begin looking for short term partnerships to pass the colder months of the year.”
By this definition, it’s implied that cuffing season is a season of fleeting encounters. Essentially, relationships that will likely not last. By no means are we here to knock casual dating. There is nothing wrong with having fun, getting to know people, and enjoying the single life. However, there is also something incredibly special about creating and sustaining long-lasting relationships. Deepening our relationships with ourselves is also equally important.
In order to explore all the nuances of cuffing season, we sat down with esteemed Relationship Expert and Matchmaker, Spicy Mari of The Spicy Life, for her hot take on the cold reality of cuffing season. So whether you’re looking to get “cuffed” for now or “cuffed” for life, Spicy is here to share some solid holiday dating advice, give her ‘Spicy Tips’ for meaningful connections, and more!
Get to know Spicy below!
- Date of Interview: December, 12th, 2022
- Topics: Holiday Dating Tips for Cuffing Season
- Interviewee: Spicy Mari of The Spicy Life
- Interviewer: Linda Wallentine, Associate Editor
The Origin of Spicy, the Matchmaker…
In talking with Spicy, one thing is certain: her zest for relationships and matchmaking is a true gift. Her first encounter with her innate abilities began when her mother, a single mom at the time, was dating and Spicy was longing for a father.
“The moment I realized I had spiritual gifts was at a very young age,” she explains. “So the ability to connect started when my mom was dating and I wanted a dad. I was like “Okay, I’m going to make this happen. I’m going to keep setting her up”.”
“I loved it,” she admits. “We had more toys, Mommy was nicer. I noticed we were going to more restaurants and so I associated, when mom’s in a relationship, there’s just more access, and she’s happier in life.”
Playing matchmaker everywhere from gas stations to grocery stores and introducing her mom to other single fathers at school, Spicy’s tenacious personality led to her mom marrying three times. Her mom definitely took notice of Spicy’s magnetic ways. But she also recognized a responsibility to guide Spicy in the right direction.
“She saw that because I was so responsive to her relationships, she was like, I need to steer you in the right way, because I don’t want your attachment style or your desire for [a] relationship with [your] parent to be reflective of what you see and how I manage relationships. She wanted me to go get the education. My mom was always “be the first in our family to go to college, make sure that you have a background in this ability to help people with relationships”.”
An Education in the Art of Communication…
Following her mother’s encouragement, Spicy attended college to attain her BA in Communications at the University of California, Berkeley, and then went on to get her Masters in Communication Management from the University of Southern California. During her master’s program, she started giving out her own Spicy tips and advice on how to not just get the relationship, but how to sustain it.
“I hosted a radio show and that, I think, was when I started to realize not just the power of relationship and directing and guiding people, but it was in my master’s program that I came up with the method. And my master’s program is where the true origin story of Spicy came from.”
Based on my studies, I discovered that self, passion, intimacy, communication, and learning to say yes were the five ingredients that you need for a healthy relationship.”
– Spicy Mari
Coining “Spicy Mari”…
Spicy (whose real name is Maricela Soto), started going by the name “Spicy” during her early years on the radio. But it wasn’t for the reason you might think.
She explains, “While people think I’m Black and Mexican and think it’s because I’m feisty and I’ve got this fiery personality. And while that is true, Spicy actually comes from a scientifically proven method that I created in my program.”
“So when I created the method and my company started to come to life everybody was like, okay, Spicy Mari. You teach the Spicy Life, that’s your program. You are Spicy. And so I just owned it.”
Just as little Spicy longed for a father growing up, she feels immense joy from restoring and helping foster family units.
“You don’t know joy until you see someone walk down the aisle,” she says smiling. “And then you don’t know double joy till you see little children running around.”
The evolution she sees so often in her clients from starting to finishing her program is equally inspiring.
“Initially, in my consultations you hear someone distraught thinking that love is hopeless for them. May it be their career choices or their age or there’s all these obstacles that society is telling us why marriage can’t happen for us. And so to see someone who’s distraught and pretty much buying into some of these limiting beliefs, to see them in the initial phase and then going and having them sign up for my program and seeing them dating successfully after they have the tools, and then getting that phone call or text with the wedding ring and the proposal, that is on a whole ‘nother level.”
Magnetic Matchmaking…
For Spicy, being a matchmaker is so much more than just bringing two people together. “My goal is to help the person connect, but also sustain the relationship.”
However, most of her clients (at least initially), simply want a partnership. “They’re just thinking, I just want my partner, I just want my person.”
As a magnetic matchmaker, Spicy’s goal (and truly what makes her company unique) is to help people find their “purpose mate.” This kind of partnership is far more fulfilling than blindly seeking a relationship and is supported by Spicy’s tools, knowledge, and scientifically backed methods.
Finding Your Purpose Mate…
A Purpose Mate is a partner “who is supposed to help support and uplift and propel you and make sure that you are carrying out your purpose.”
But before Spicy helps find your Purpose Mate, she first helps people “become more magnetic” themselves so they can attract the right kind of partner.
She explains, “I’m highlighting the things that have made you successful in every other area of your life and putting those on another level so that you can glow and radiate according to what you really have to offer the world. So you really do start to attract a boatload of people, but with my coaching, choose healthy people.”
The Spicy Method…
Spicy’s company is unique in large part due to her scientifically proven Spicy Method. The acronym, S.P.I.C.Y. covers many aspects of life and relationships including:
- Self – Journey to a higher level of consciousness
- Passion – Kindle a fervent affection for life
- Intimacy – Spark closeness
- Communication – Fuel expression and acceptance
- Yes – Ignite affirmation
On a base level, her coaching tool asks, “How do we spice up your life?”. At its core, however, Spicy’s method covers and enhances many aspects of your life beyond dating.
“The tools that I’m giving you from an educational standpoint and a spiritual standpoint all come together to help you with mindset, help you with emotions and help you with behavioral changes that will help you achieve your goal… [and] get [you] into alignment with the person that you are supposed to be with.”
As part of her coaching, she acknowledges the importance of working with clients through past emotional traumas first before jumping into matchmaking.
“It’s important that we do the healing work. I won’t match you or navigate your connections until after we have done the coaching. So for 90 days you’re with me, no sex, purely coaching, doing the homework, doing the exercises, meeting in our session, and I’m redoing your dating profiles. I’m guiding you with how to connect and speak more effectively to the male psyche, how to guide his emotions. And through those successes, after the 90 days, you take over and you mirror those things that I taught you.”
Love Yourself First…
How can you want somebody to be madly in love with you when you’re not madly in love with you?”
– Spicy Mari
It may be cliche, but it’s absolutely true. You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself first.
Spicy admits, “I can connect people all day long. I did that oftentimes with my mom as a child, but it was the work that needed to be done. That’s why me having to get trained and educated in this and then having tried, tested, and proven with my clients that this method does work, it adds to the legitimacy of it. And seeing people make healthier choices is my ultimate goal.”
The Spicy Life Podcast…
Starting out at KGLH, Stevie Wonder’s radio station, Spicy first started sharing her Spicy tips and dating advice on the air in Los Angeles. After that, Doc Wynter at iHeart asked her to chat on 92.3 and from there she was sharing Spicy tips in between spinning the latest music. Soon people were asking her to do a podcast “just on relationships, with no music interruptions or anything.” And so The Spicy Life Podcast was born!
Bringing on guests ranging from relationship experts to celebrities who have unique relationship experiences, each episode shares what Spicy has learned and what she has to teach and educate about relationships.
“My goal is to be a positive force in all of this noise that’s telling you that you can’t have love, it’s telling you why you’re doing it wrong or that’s creating social comparison. I’m the voice of education, of entertainment, of getting your life spicy and exciting again. And not everybody can or is ready to sign up for my services. So the podcast gives you a way to put your toe in and start to learn where you can make some different choices in how you are dating or treating your companion.”
One of Spicy’s greatest guests that she’s ever had on her show is actually her husband, Chae Waugh.
“I would say that because he’s a manifestation of my gifts and my purpose. Through my ability to connect, use my Spicy method and apply it to my own life, he’s a manifestation of what I am preaching.”
Working together at The Spicy Life as her COO, Spicy recalls Chae’s appearance with love and admiration: “…to hear him use my tools in the way he speaks and I’m like, oh my God, you listened, you learned, you’re really riding and dying, you’re in this with me. And so I think that has been my greatest experience so far.
On the other end of accomplishments and celebrity-wise, one of Spicy’s all-time guests on her Spicy Life podcast is esteemed singer, Mario.
“I interviewed him when I was at 92.3 for iHeart and he came on my Spicy Life podcast and spoke to how being in the entertainment industry as a singer, he’s still a lover, he’s still a man, he’s still a human. He has real dating experiences like everybody else.
And one of the things that he said was that there’s power in withholding and restraining himself sometimes from sex in relationship[s]. And I thought that was incredible, that sometimes he will take this detox, not just physically, but also mentally and spiritually to recharge and to re-energize and re-identify how he directs his energy and his masculinity versus giving himself to everybody. I wish more men had restraint like that, so that they could make better decisions.
I think that was one of the interviews that stuck with me the most. Not just the fact that he’s Mario, the singer, but it was also, I didn’t realize how brilliant and articulate he was. And then of course I made him sing on the episode, so his voice is incredible!”
Check out her full interview with Mario here.
Navigating the Growth of Her Business…
When Spicy first started The Spicy Life in 2014, she was juggling multiple jobs including radio and a normal 9-5. At the time, she asked herself: “how am I going to run this?”
Luckily, she had a supportive partner who understood everything she was balancing. And after she was let go from her day job, she took it as a sign from the universe to focus on The Spicy Life and asked her husband to trust her to pursue her dream fully.
“I was like, “Look, I’m the best investment you will ever make… These are the reasons why you should trust and let me just focus on being a full-time entrepreneur. Let me focus just on this company alone and it will be the best choice you’ve ever made in life.” But mind you, I had to give him a PowerPoint presentation with it and why it made sense, because he’s such a left brain man.”
Showing up as her true purpose mate, her hubby was on board and said, “Okay, I’m going to ride with you through this.”
Spicy admits the beginning of The Spicy Life was not easy and as with any new business, had ups and downs.
“There was me just wanting to coach full-time,” she recalls. “Meanwhile, there are all these other things that had to be built, from the website to the structure of how the business was going to be run to employees to how am I going to apply my formula and methods and create a curriculum.”
Working in tandem with her husband, they found their groove between balancing operations, marketing, and coaching. Additionally, holding each other accountable, pushing each other to do better, and reminding one another of their greatness was so important in those beginning phases.
“He was really able to direct me as I had these peaks and valleys to where he was like, “Okay, you’re great with coaching, but I need you to learn the operation side too. You can’t just be great at one. You need to understand the other side.” So I think him holding me accountable to that really helped with me getting the business to take off.”
Spicy’s Take On Cuffing Season…
With winter upon us and the holiday season in full force, Spicy acknowledges people’s very valid longing for companionship and sees cuffing season, in part, as a great time of year to meet new people and put yourself out there.
“We want someone to snuggle with and we want partnership,” she says. “So if you want to be an active participant in cuffing season, by all means, do that because a relationship can come from it.”
However, the notion of cuffing season can also present challenges. Especially for people seeking long-lasting relationships.
“Oftentimes people are going into it with the notion that it’s temporary,” Spicy explains. “So what I like to give a Spicy tip on is making sure that when you go into cuffing season and you decide to cuff someone and take someone off the market, that you guys have the same intentions.”
She encourages clear communication and for couples to ask each other questions, such as:
- “What are your intentions with dating me right now?
- What are your goals when it comes to this relationship?
- Do you believe in the value of commitment?
- Is this just a situationship?
Hookup culture: The colder side of Cuffing Season
With dating apps and endless partners available at the swipe of our fingertips, hookup culture seems to be becoming the norm. And cuffing season plays into this theme. However, for Spicy, she suggests physical intimacy isn’t something people should be rushing into.
She explains, “Before we get physically intimate, I think that you need to experience the other levels of intimacy. And those other levels of intimacy are emotional intimacy, recreational intimacy, spiritual intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and financial intimacy.”
To overcome the colder side of cuffing season, Spicy’s Spicy tip is to get the person attached to you.
“If you don’t know how to make someone attached to you, if you don’t know how to get someone to buy into you, if you don’t know how to guide someone to becoming more emotionally invested in you, you need to sign up for my course.”
Holiday Dating Advice For Cuffing Season…
#1. Say Yes To Everything
During the holiday season, there are so many events to attend, things to do, and people to meet – hence why it’s critical you say “Yes!” to every activity.
“Say yes to everything right now,” Spicy says. “Anytime a friend throws something, go, even if you don’t feel like getting dressed. Get your butt up and go because you don’t know who you’re going to connect with there.”
While hiring a matchmaker is so helpful and adds to your team by helping you look for love, Spicy admits, “Friends are the number one matchmakers. So yes, I exist. But friends inviting you out to socialize or to parties, you’re more than likely going to meet someone there than through any other source.”
#2. Give Gifts Based on Your Partners Love Language
To knock your partner’s socks off this year with an incredibly thoughtful gift, Spicy encourages couples to pay attention to their partner’s love language (i.e. acts of service, words of affirmation, affection, physical gifts, and quality time). Also, don’t be afraid to ask them for a list of what they actually want.
Spicy shares, “I’m huge on finding out what your partner wants because then you get the gratification that you’re looking for versus when you try to surprise or you try to get them what you would like, sometimes you’re disappointed when they’re not as crazy about it as you thought or they don’t give you the reaction that you wanted. Now you feel defeated and you’re like… I don’t know now if I’m going to do this again or it doesn’t feel good when I give to this person. Now you’re less likely to repeat that behavior as often. So one, let’s find out exactly what the person wants and two, have a honest conversation about what’s your love language.”
Spicy’s Gift-giving examples:
- Acts of service: getting their car serviced
- Words of affirmation: writing them a beautiful love note.
- Affection: full body massage.
- Physical gifts: new pair of shoes that they’ve been dying for.
- Quality time: doing a fun activity together (road trip, sporting event, etc.)
How to Incorporate all 5 Love languages:
- “To really spice things up, create a treasure hunt around the house with little notes that lead to the next gift. Each love language that you fulfill can be just a small gesture or token of your love. They don’t have to be big-ticket items.”
Discover your love language here.
#3. Be Open to New Cultures & Traditions
For multicultural couples during the holidays, Spicy advises them to “navigate with an open mindset about learning and research.”
In a multicultural relationship herself, she notes the importance of respecting both cultures: “My husband comes from Jamaica, so he has a Jamaican culture. I’m Black and Mexican and Native American, so mine’s a fusion of all of these. And so him having to do some American traditions or some traditions from my Latino culture or my Black side that we do, him being open to learning what those are and then giving me not just permission to do it without inconvenience or hesitancy, but me also taking the time to research.”
For married and dating folks, taking the time to understand traditions and what the holidays mean to your partner, Spicy adds that together you can “think about how to pass those down to your children.”
#4. Create New Traditions Together
While you can respect and research and learn and ask questions and show that you care about each other’s cultures, you also can create new ones of your own.”
– Spicy Mari
#5. Meet the Family With Confidence
Meeting your partner’s family at any time of the year is intimidating. But the holiday season tends to be a peak time for couples to introduce each other’s friends, family, and loved ones. Spicy’s advice for meet-the-parents anxiety: don’t let imposter syndrome kill your confidence!
“Imposter syndrome can creep up where we’re like, “Oh, I don’t really know if I’m good enough to be here. What if they discover that I’m not as amazing as he’s saying? Are they going to see through me?” And I think instead of having these negative conversations with yourself about worst case scenario situations, we need to have positive conversations with ourself, affirm ourself about why we belong there, why we’re so amazing. Be it at a family event or Holiday party.”
#6. Learn their family
After saying yes and deciding to meet their family, the next phase according to Spicy is stepping out of your comfort zone and being more social. And that means learning about their loved ones, asking questions, and being present.
“I’m going to take the time to research why his abuelita or his grandma means so much to him, why his uncle Joe is his hero, or why his best friend, Tom, is a player in the streets. I’m going to have these conversations with them, these intimate conversations, and get to know them.”
#6. Share Who You Are
Beyond learning about your partner’s family, another Spicy tip is remembering to share about yourself.
When meeting the family, Spicy notes, “I think oftentimes we go into it trying to be as impressive as possible, but we don’t share intimate details about who we are and what our life experiences are. And sometimes we can leave people feeling indifferent to us….So I would rather you share some fun, high vibrational life experiences that you’ve had, so that that way you can raise the energy in the room and make people feel good because that will be how they assess their sentiments about you.”
Upcoming Spicy Events & Courses in 2023…
Events we can look forward to from Spicy in 2023 include her Valentine’s Day 2 Brushes 1 Canvas Sip and Paint event in February, and The Spicy Life’s annual March Matchness speed dating event.
Additionally, her newest and highly anticipated curriculum, Your Purpose Mate Awaits, also starts in January. In this exclusive six-week online e-course, Spicy teaches her Spicy fundamentals and helps individuals navigate their relationship challenges and heal past emotional trauma.
“Your Purpose Mate Awaits really is you learning the Spicy tools and how to apply them. Manifesting love, but first us doing some healing work, getting rid of limiting beliefs, helping you with balancing masculine-feminine energy and knowing how to pivot and lean into which one serves you and your relationship goal. And really understanding who you are and how you show up in the world and knowing not just who you are but what you want and what you have to offer.”
Folks who sign up for her master class will have new relationship tools to practice and use to set them up for a new year of love in 2023!
Enroll in Spicy’s Your Purpose Mate Awaits course here (it makes a great gift, too!).
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Vendors:
- Spicy Life Photos: Spicy Mari of The Spicy Life
- Spicy’s wedding dress: Coco Melody Official
- Venue: Sandals, Montego Bay Jamaica
- Wedding Photographer & DJ: Courtesy of venue Sandals, Montego Bay Jamaica
- Makeup: Spicy Mari
- Wedding theme: all white wedding theme
- Hair: Hair by Vanessa & Pretty Strands
- PR rep: Gabrielle Gambrell
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