Are You Living or Dying for Love?
After almost a year of creeping, my friend Sam finally admitted she’d been secretly dating the delivery guy. Sam, a scientist with a PhD in Engineering from a prestigious university, no less, stumbled into John when he showed up to deliver her furniture. He delivered the furniture quite alright, and a whole lot more too – a steamy love affair. But how enriching or fulfilling could this relationship possibly be, if it’s shrouded in secrecy?
I confronted Sam–accusing her blatantly of being ashamed of her DeliveryLove or what else would you call him? She vehemently denied my accusations and famously declared her new ethos on life – “Love Freely”. Ok, whatever. Over the course of several days, I pressed the issue, asking provocative, in-your-face questions. For example, I wanted to know who paid for dinner dates. Was my boushy friend still dinning at Nobu (the famed upscale TriBeCa-NYC Japanese restaurant), had she traded down to Chipotle or was MickeyD’s in full play?. Were the Hamptons still in season next summer, or would a walk in Central Park (aka staycation) do? Sam had vague responses at best, but mostly just shrugged her shoulders. She says she’s in love, I say she’s in denial! But of what?
After all, what does matter in a relationship? Sam swears that John treats her right, and that they get along. She seemed quite happy as she eloquently elevated her relationship to martyrdom, I was almost deceived. When we talk about John, her eyes glaze over, there is an inept ability to engage, to make eye contact, to show presence. It’s like she’s talking to me but she’s not there; she’s happy, but not joyful. In a desperate attempt to crack the code, I asked the unthinkable–I asked to meet John. Again, her countenance changed, shifting her eyes away, she meekly said “not now” to which I replied “when?” I never did meet him.
Is it wrong to date the delivery guy? Absolutely not! However, if you can’t show him off or if you must keep him in the closet, why are you with him? None of this would have mattered if Sam hadn’t lived so richly in style and with fervor. Sam is a text book example of a woman that denies herself the fabulous grandeurs of life, for a self-imposed pious calling. Sam, desperate to prove to John that she had no need for worldly goods and that he was indeed Nirvana, chose to deny herself, what I call New York’s basic life essentials – a weekend brunch, a summer house in the Hampton’s, Prada on 5th and a $5-dollar NYC Latte. Worse still, she commits the cardinal sin when she denies herself a slice of heaven – Red velvet cake from Cake Man Raven in Brooklyn. You shouldn’t have to stop living to love!
And whatever happened to her ethos “Loving Freely”? There was nothing free about John; Indeed, he was an emotional drain. It’s clear to me, that in as much as John did not dissuade Sam, then he passively encouraged her to adopt his frugal lifestyle or comedown to his level, if you will. In hiding her relationship with John and denying herself all of New York City’s essentials, Sam was dying a slow and crippling death. Are you living or dying for love?
photo by Elizabeth Messina
Xoxo Flow Eezy, Flow with love [divider] Single in the City is a weekly feature exploring the random musings and weekly escapades of a single black girl in the city. Call me Flow Eezy, an eternal hopeful, a perpetual believer that maybe, just maybe, I could meet that guy: Smart, funny, articulate and principled. I wonder if I am a member of a dying breed, in this age of the booty call. As we meander through these post-recessionary times, one thing is clear; dating in New York is hard. And harder when you have values, never mind morals. But I am holding out! I’m not perfect, far from it… [divider] [fancy_link link=”https://www.munaluchibridal.com/category/single-in-the-city/” variation=”teal” target=”blank”]Previous “Single in the City” posts…[/fancy_link] [divider]
This sounds just a tad bit bitter….She can’t change? Who says you have to stay the same for friends and you cant want love? So because her love didn’t come with a corporate job, she should dump him? If its her vacations and dinners she gave up, I don’t see a issue. Really this is an unrealistic thing to put on your friends. You wonder why you haven’t met him but not one thing you said above was supportive about their relationship. Everything you said basically said “Don’t leave me friend lets live the the big life you don’t need him” . Welp she choose happiness an fun over dinner alone at Nobu, can’t say I see anything wrong with it.
Common Pipes, work with me hear. Of course Sam is free to choose whom to love. The focus is not on fancy dinners at Nobu or Prada shoes….you missed the point. The gist of the matter is that Sam who is so “FREE LOVING” is hiding in secret. I actually think that that is sad. Everyone should stand up for love in whatever form they see fit. It’s unfortunate that my friend was apologizing for the choice she made. Instead she should be waiving her Love-Flag high and proud saying “this is my man, I love him and I don’t need your opinion” That’s quite different from hiding, acting all lame and apologetic!
Maybe if you had a more open/supportive tone, she would feel more comfortable introducing you to him
Single in the City: Are You Living or Dying for Love? http://t.co/tsv4SsZJ via @munaluchibride
Pipes I agree with you. Maybe the reason she was hiding him was because she knew her upscale “friend” wouldn’t accept him. It seems as if you looked at her happiness and didn’t see joy. Maybe that was due to the fact that you were infringing on her joy by being a hater. Sometimes love can’t be explained. If you did not pressed the issue, asking provocative, in-your-face questions she would have opened up to you. This may have been just as confusing for her as it was for you. As her friend you alienated her from you. Furthermore, maybe your essentials of daily life was not hers anymore. I’m sorry to say but you sounded like a snob. I hope your friend is happy and maybe you need a delivery man or two in your life also.
Yeah right. IT was not the friend it was her. This woman was hiding this man because she was ashamed.Note how she no longer frequented her favorite spot. He behavior changed.
The blog post from @munaluchiBride http://t.co/tsv4SsZJ is good post on what friends judge about your relationships hmph!
RT @SimplyBerry: The blog post from @munaluchiBride http://t.co/tsv4SsZJ is good post on what friends judge about your relationships hmph!
Single in the City: Are You Living or Dying for Love? http://t.co/TB0VAtz5 via @munaluchibride
I don’t think flow was alienating her friend. Her friend should be able to be open about her relationship, delivery man or not…What’s the point of hiding him? It’s like being in love but only behind closed doors…
Morgan – Finally, someone that gets it! So the whole idea is not to crucify Sam. She is after all my dear friend. I did/do take curious notice of her change in behavior and most especially her need to keep this relationship hush-hush. Who dates someone only to hide them in a closet? Remember she famously declared “Love Freely”. I just can’t see anything free when it’s shrouded in secrecy!
RT @EssenceEventsTN: Single in the City: Are You Living or Dying for Love? http://t.co/TB0VAtz5 via @munaluchibride
Hmm… This could go either way in my opinion. I am involved in something similar… My SO is extremely secretive about our relationship, he is in an extremely high profile position and cannot come out with it until we are engaged, which is hopefully soon but not too soon… lol The pressure and scrutiny on me would be too much on me at this time. But I can’t say if the young lady was ashamed or if she just didn’t want you to judge her friend because he wasn’t rich or into those “NYC necessities” … As an ex-patriate of NY, I (didn’t) don’t even consider those things to be what you say… But maybe that’s because I’m more frugal! LOL!