When Does “We’re Trying for a Son” Become “Our Daughters Aren’t Enough?”

This article originally appeared in Love. ‘n Words.

I’m sure many Africans (and likely non-Africans too from certain cultures) can relate to this scenario. As a Nigerian, I heard about and saw this play out in several different ways. What scenario do I speak of? Let me paint a picture:

A man and a woman meet, realize they’re compatible, fall in love, court and get married. Then, they decide it’s time to have children. They get ready in the best possible way they can (because, really, who could ever be completely prepared to bring a child into this world?). Maybe they wait till after the birth to see if they’re having a boy or a girl – or maybe, they’re far too excited to wait and rush over for a sonogram so they can see this tiny life that they expect to bring into the world one day. Either way, they realize, “Hey! It’s a girl!!!” They are deeply excited, exhilarated, sooo happy. She couldn’t be more beautiful! Then, they decide, “Let’s try again!” They try again, and it’s a girl. Great, but now they really want a boy! They try again – and again – and again – and again. They try 5 more times and each time, it’s a girl! Hmmmmm…..Scenario over!

I know of a few people who have been products of this scenario. A man really really wants a son because, well, which man doesn’t? There’s nothing like having a little boy constantly running into his father’s arms and wanting to be “just like Daddy.” However, in many cases, the reason isn’t always that simple – or innocent. Instead, it is often far more complex and uncomfortable.

Though times are changing and things are evolving, change is slow in some areas. This is one area that has yet to be completely conquered: the need for a son to carry on the “family name.” Worse still, in many places wherein this is the trend, a woman begins to experience an incredible amount of pressure from her in-laws and husband’s immediate and extended family, as if she gets to choose what sex of child she brings into the world. It makes for a miserable existence, unhappy marriage and terrible feelings of inadequacy on the woman’s part.

Terrible as that is, I also wonder about the psychological effects on any such couple’s daughters. How does one explain to girls in this household that they are just as important and worthy as boys? Or is this something that just goes over their heads because that’s just the way things are? When does “trying for a son” so much that a household is populated solely for that reason become more than just parental desire and translate into the reality that one thinks that daughters just aren’t enough?

Personally, I think that when this becomes a source of strife, anguish, misery & financial burden, and affects the psyche of girls born into that household by even just a smidge, this desire is an innocent desire no more.

What are your thoughts?

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